I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
You Might Also Like
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’m giving up ice.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Fights fire with marshmallows
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please