Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
A man of commitment.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.