Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
You Might Also Like
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
asking santa clause for nudes
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My boss called in sick of me
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.