#SaturdayBears
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*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*