Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.