health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
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Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
They’re really bad with fonts.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.