“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
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“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
choose your fighter
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.