INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
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ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
He wanted to make sure😂
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.