{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
You Might Also Like
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
cats when you pet them too long:
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
road rage
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired