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Match dot com, but for socks.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
#MeanwhileInCanada
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.