A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Thursday
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.