I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
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My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I don’t know what to do
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.