Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
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Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”