I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
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People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
The struggle is real.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!