Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”