~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
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It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Rambo Rambow
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Swedish for common sense.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”