Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Many hands make light work
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
🤣dope
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”