emergency phone
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.