[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.