I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
January has been Januweary
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.