ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.