Beards are a privilege, not a right
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MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I identify as an antique shop.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves