Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
i choose….tongue
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.