[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
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Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
New tinder profile pic
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Try and stop me.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.