Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Meowchelangelo
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree