So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
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Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.