Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
this is how life feels
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.