Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
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The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance