“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.