I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
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It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference