“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.