BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
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The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I’d rather go liquor treating.