Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.