I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
very niche meme I made
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.