{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
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“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help