My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
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If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”