never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
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Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.