For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
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My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it