Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
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Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.