Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
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Vodka burrito was a success
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.