me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.