My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
No, he would not have.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.