i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
You Might Also Like
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
🤣😂🤣
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
tinder is all about the long game
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.