Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
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that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.