I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.