me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
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I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Morning.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.