me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
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You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.