god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Made something I’m not proud of
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family