I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
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I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
relationship goals
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.