*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
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This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope